Home Is Where You’re Still Becoming

When living abroad turns into living between worlds...

"Hi Kuniko, I’ve been living in France for the past three years for work after finishing university in Japan, and sometimes I feel like I don’t fully belong anywhere, not in Japan, and not here in France. I miss my family and the familiarity of home but also feel like I’ve grown so much since moving. How can I reconnect with who I really am without feeling guilty for drifting from my family’s expectations?"  - Chihiro, 28

Hi Chihiro, 

I completely understand you. I was in the exact same situation in my late 20s - eating baguettes on the street in Paris while missing Japanese rice, and wondering who on earth I had become. France didn't fully like home, yet Japan no longer did either. 

You feel lost between two countries because the girl you were in Japan is no longer exactly who you've become in France, right? Living abroad changes you. You had to adapt your taste, your way of thinking, and even how you walk down the street, not just to survive in a new environment but also to enjoy what's new: the culture, the people, the rhythm of life. That's not losing yourself. That's upgrading yourself!

And yes, I know, in Japan (like in many other countries), there's still a strong expectation of how a woman should be and what a "good" daughter should do: someone reserved, conservative, and modest, who stays close to family, marries a "good" Japanese man, and has children. A "good" girl is expected to follow that traditional "path". Even if this idea is fading, the family pressure can weigh heavily on your shoulders. Maybe a part of you once agreed to that safe and secure course. But after three years abroad, which opened your eyes, you've started to see there are other versions of life, too.

To reconnect with who you are, start by embracing where you are. You live and breathe in France. This moment, this place, it's your real life right now. Independent, curious, and flourishing far from home, it's you. That's who you are, no matter how guilty you feel, or what your family tries to convince you; it's undeniable. Your identity isn't split, just more layered. 

You don’t need to forget who you were in Japan, either. As you know, you're simply growing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Keep going in the direction that feels right to you. That’s how you stay true, not by staying still. You are both the woman who was raised in Japan and the woman blooming in France now. Appreciate how far you've come. Look at you, thriving! 

Why not allow yourself to evolve into who you're becoming, freely, happily, and without guilt?

Take care,

Kuniko

Got something on your mind? I’d love to hear your story or answer any questions you may have. 

Write to me anytime at info@bykuniko.com or through the contact form located in the side menu. 

I’ll answer you (always anonymously) in future Open Notes posts.